remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm sobbing to NWA
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
