If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
