i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
