someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
