Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
