she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she told me i tasted like america
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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