Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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