Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
