trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
