Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
