bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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