I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
