Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
