Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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