Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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