I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
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