The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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