I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
