Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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