I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
