the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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