I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
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