I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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