i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
