can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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