He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
