i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
What a dumb baby whore.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
be right there i have to get my cape
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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