If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
