I wish life had little blips of pornography
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
