i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
