I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
