upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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