my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
