There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
someone owes me an orgasm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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