i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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