so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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