Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
