I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
now i know why i became what i already was.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
