I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
