this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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