I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
