Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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