i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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