Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
