Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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