so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
