its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize