when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.