I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS