Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.