Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
