remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
