I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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