i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
