I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
