I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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