I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
