the new term for farting is butt boxing.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
