I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Randomize
