i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
