i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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