First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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